You Don’t Like Your Lips Licked?!
This is a unisex blog, this isn’t a how-to more so an explanation or reasoning perhaps.
My first encounter with having oral sex performed on was on my 13th birthday by the 18 year old boy who was my babysitter when I insisted on playing basketball on the courts a few blocks from my house. On that day, I was so excited to finally be a teen that I wore my money clip proudly. I had B cup boobs, I had long track legs and a mean June tan. I walked to the courts hoping to get more money and bumped into Andre*. The conversation wasn’t slick at all and I was completely clueless as to what I was saying yes to:
Andre: You turned 13 today right?
Andre: You ever been ate out?
Me: o_O what’s that?
Andre: Come with me real quick
and there you have it, in my innocent mind I thought he was asking me to dinner or lunch but never did I imagine he meant oral sex. I couldn’t process how pervy I was about to become because of this day. He only did that to me and we never did that again, how fucking evil right?! Now I was obsessed with that feeling!
Today, at the age of 26, I meet many women who not only request that their partner doesn’t do it but when it’s done they hate it. My cousin is one of those women. When she first told me about how she gets nervous when her boyfriends head goes between her thighs and the odd feeling she has I immediately thought "she’s self conscious".
After my first oral encounter I didn’t have any kind of sex again with a guy until college. The first time a guy went down on me, as an adult, I did have this fear and I really didn’t know why. I was clean, in every meaning of the word, I didn’t have an odor but I had this nagging thought of what if. What if I didn’t taste right? what if my natural body chemistry smells like the 5th ring of hell? what if I have a hair bump from my first attempt at shaving? what if? what if? what if? I didn’t enjoy it that night, I couldn’t orgasm and I wanted nothing more than for him to just fuck me and leave my love ocean the hell alone. I psyched myself out of nut that night.
After that night I looked up all the best of everything for vaginal care. I know some of you are giggling but the fact of the matter is a lot of women are still using Lever 2000 to wash your vagina and at 18 I was right there with you. I found out about proper vaginal hygiene and care because nothing is worse than having a willing tongue, a wet lady pool and negative self-taunting thoughts running off your pleasure. I learned all about Lemisol and Summers Eve, I didn’t eat certain foods when I knew my suitor had an appetite and I began waxing. I stopped myself mentally from fucking up my physical/sexual greatness.
Women are thinkers, we over think and then think about why we think so much. Although brain productivity is encouraged in my world, we need to learn how to shut it down. I have so many women who ask me why they can’t enjoy it and the answer is simple. You won’t allow yourself to enjoy it.
If you really want to experience it fully, be honest about what worries you about it. Are you concerned about your natural smell and taste?
Are you concerned with how your vagina looks?
Are your concerns not physical but a control issue? having oral sex performed on you makes you feel extremely vulnerable, your legs are wide open, your partner can make you cry (if they’re any good) with the flick of the tongue.
I know these questions seem juvenile in theory but I’m a woman and although many will not admit it, these are questions we’ve seriously inwardly asked ourselves. My reason for asking my female audience is because once you address your issues, concerns, questions is the moment you can start removing that shield, relax and enjoy yourself. You can see that vaginas all look different, some lips are small and some are big, you will learn how your diet can control your bodily odor and taste, you will learn the best products to use for cleaning your lady of love.
Once I realized my concerns were things that weren’t a problem but a mental nagger, I went out and resolved each issue. So the next time he offered his tongue as a spoon, I gleefully accepted multiple times that night.
So much of our time, energy, and attention is wasted trying to convince other people how wrong they are about us. People have a right to think whatever they choose to think. Just because they think it does not make it right.
- Iyanla Vanzant
A lesson I’m learning in all facets of my life currently.
Sex blogging and I
:Personal vent post by Elle, not the erotic nerd:
As you all know, I’ve recently began blogging again and my focus is sex/sexuality and soon gender. My tumblr began, and still is, a place I write for ME. My twitter is a reflection of my sporadic thoughts and moments in between living and accepting what life has offered me. Am I 100% spot on? no, never. I’m in trial and error, learning as fast as I possibly can while maintaining quality. I feel I have become a resource center, a sound off board for everyone and their sexual quest so my twitter is your direct line to me. I try my best to entertain without boring and to teach without talking AT you.
Recently I “met" someone who is a sex educator. I met her through someone close to my heart. The conversation was great, I was even invited to stay with her for a sex education certification..that is until two tweets and my letting her know my relationship to our mutual friend. The two tweets were me in mid-rant, as you all know I do when I am challenged, I could have rephrased some words and have paid special attention as to how I address certain things online since.
I do NOT take well to bullying nor do I respond well to being talked down to. I am well aware that I am the new fish in this pond but when a change is that swift it lets me know that your original reaching out was not only lacking sincerity but you had another motive. I guard my world well, I guard my resources even better. I take personal offense in that, especially when conversation was only via text/dm/email. Seeing how it took 35 hours for someone to go from reaching out 150% to being completely cold, mean, taunting and demeaning not only made me second guess myself but in all sincerity it stung a bit. Everything from my tweets to education was damn near ridiculed. I then recognized the high school clique mentality that followed and since she didn’t approve of me, a person she’s never met nor verbally spoken to, her contacts also cut me off. Touché.
I welcome new friendships and look forward to learning, at my own pace, from women more skilled and advanced in this arena. Sex and sexuality has always been my love but due to personal restraint and even guilt, I repressed it but I am NOT refined and I am walking towards the path of becoming more educated about it. I felt the need to write this blog because I was beyond offended that this person not only crossed EVERY line imaginable with me but went as far as to insult my intelligence. This is my PERSONAL venting post, not as the erotic nerd, but as Elle the person. I respect those who respect me and I am not easily fooled, regardless of the occasional jokes.
Sex educators and sex positive bloggers, please be genuine in your outreach. Do not attempt to bully and toss around clout and talk down to people with a genuine love and interest in this field. Do not attempt to manipulate situations for your own personal benefit and gain. Do not JUDGE (after all, isn’t that what you fight against? irony) before you actually take the time to personally get to know the person and furthermore, do not waste anyones fucking time. Time is essential and we lose it by the moment. If you have an inner circle, clique, so feminist you can’t even be genuine in your approach to another woman then please keep your pseudo support and friendship, I have ALWAYS made it where I am supposed to be and that my dear, will never change.
The Girl Who Likes to Suck….Richard
I like to please. Pleasing my man makes me orgasm just as much, if not more, than being pleased by him. This post is not encouraging you to stick any Richard in your mouth but the one(s) you feel connected to?!? *cues song* baby it’s you!!!! you’re the one I love! you’re the one I need! you’re the only one I see!! c’mon baby it’s you!!
Yes, sucking my partners Richard makes me want to two step to a lovely song about being happily in love because at that moment, I am happily enjoying him..orally.
But I digress..
Giving oral sex is no longer just something to do because that is what you’re supposed to do to your partner, no that is such an understatement for what it does for me. I react from seeing his reaction of watching me enjoy his taste. I like the control I gain from it and my ego lives for it. I love seeing my partner in a euphoric state of utmost pleasure and I am the one doing it.
In order to properly speak into his mic, the performer must realize that this is her stage to own. You must make yourself comfortable. Nothing is worst than having to control your breathing, the mix of spit and hand strokes and to also have aching knees or a back spasm. This is something you can control, if you find yourself in the traditional on-your-knee position, grab a pillow. Stop being bashful, the more you feel comfortable the more you both can fully enjoy the experience. The performer must also know her limits, gagging is cute to some but gagging to the point of vomiting not only ruins the current mood but will be hard to erase from both of your memories. No one likes vomit, not even Richard.
Deep throating takes practice, porn is good for reference but porn stars are the olympians of sex. Attempting some of the things they do with ease can not only be unsafe but embarrass you. Pace yourself grasshopper. Oral sex is most mental for the performer, not only do you have fatigue in the mouth and jaw but your back and neck begins to ache (this is why comfort is essential, you have enough physical obstacles to overcome for the win for the team). Deep throating scares a lot of women because we automatically, well not me, think of the gag reflex. As soon as Richard tickles the throat some women mentally shut their throat down, I’ve seen this happen. You begin to panic and before you know it Richard is back at your lips, dry from the head down. The most important thing with deep throating is controlling your breathing and knowing how to ease Richard back there without filling you up too much and too quickly, you won’t die- I can assure you of that.
This is oral sex week, so this post ends here for me but for the women who write me asking about oral and deep throating..you have homework! If you are reading my blog and twitter, you more than likely have sex toys and if not- buy one. Get a silicone based dildo, something that isn’t stiff and has flexibility. Make this your Hello Richard! toy, practice on him. Learn how to go all the way down on him without your eyes bulging out and watering. Put a condom on it with only your mouth, sounds silly but if you are bashful this loosens you up to the idea of it without feeling judged while doing it. The better you become, the more confidence you gain it and the less you worry about being judged because you know you are a WINNER. Feel free to email me once you see his response is different :)